By Rebecca Fisher
The clean slate. It’s appealing to all of us. There’s not one of us who doesn’t wish for a do over in some area of our lives. But how many times do we resolve to make a change, only to find ourselves right back where we started? We make it a few weeks into the New Year or good intention and then we stumble, lose hope, give up.
I’ve had my fair share of haunting habits and ruinous relationships, and have attempted, blindly, to do it differently this time…or maybe this time. I’ve been blessed to have people in my life who are willing to be honest with me, who sincerely want to see me succeed in life rather than continue to stumble over the same pitfalls again and again. These friends in the trenches have taught me valuable lessons when it comes to really making change in my life and when I put those lessons into practice, they actually work.
One of my go-to, and most futile, coping mechanisms when facing any difficult situation, be it a relationship, a job or even a seemingly insurmountable challenge, is to flee. I run. As fast and as far as I can. Seems logical, right? Remove yourself from the problem and the problem is solved. I thought so, too, until one of my loving but brutally honest friends pointed out that there seemed to be a common denominator in all of my problems. Me. They uttered six simple words that changed my perspective on life forever.
Wherever you go, there you are. I know, it seems ridiculously simple, but it blew my mind. It didn’t matter how far I ran, I would always be there and the problem would inevitably resurface. Sure, it would come in a different form, but it was always the same. At this point, I was terrified of running anywhere that would leave me alone with myself.
When I was able to wrap my meager brain around that one, they made a suggestion.
Put down the magnifying lens and pick up a mirror. My grandmother used to tell me that when I pointed my finger, which she couldn’t stand, I had three more pointing back at me. When I was little, I was like, no duh! I can count! But as I matured, however slightly, I started to understand. My part in all of my troubles is likely three times greater than that of the person I am blaming. We are told to deal with the log in our own eye before pointing out the speck in our fellow’s. Believe me, this one alone will keep me busy…forever.
While looking into that proverbial mirror, which is akin to hearing your own voice on a recording for the first time, they suggested I do something very important, albeit excruciating.
Take an inventory. All successful businesses take stock. They keep what is profitable and they get rid of, without a second thought, what holds the business back. I had plenty of character flaws, warped beliefs, knee-jerk reactions and poor choices to put down in the bad column, but surprisingly enough, the more difficult task was writing down my assets. It was these assets that I was going to need in order to really make a change in my life. I had to keep an eye out for those pesky defects, but with an asset like unrelenting determination on my side I stood a good chance.
The next suggestion seemed unbearable, impossible even. With my list in hand, it was suggested I share everything from that bad column with someone else. You know, the column that contained the most sordid parts of my past? I wasn’t convinced of that one so easily. Not until someone explained.
We are only as sick as our secrets. Part of what held me back from real change, especially in the relationship realm, was the gnawing sense that I wasn’t worth what was on the other side. It was the mother of all lies that tripped me up more than anything. It threatened to keep me trapped in perpetual agony and failure. Fleeing from an abusive marriage right into the next one wasn’t an option I was willing to accept, so, I did it. I shared every dirty detail. Of course, I shared it with someone I trusted, someone I was sure had a list ten times the size of mine.
Some final words of wisdom… not mine, of course. Mine are all borrowed.
Don’t go it alone. We weren’t made to do life alone. There’s a reason solitary confinement is considered severe punishment and limited in duration. Find people who will lovingly hold you accountable. Yes-men are worthless. And if you have faith, lean on it…heavily. It saved my life and gave me the chance at a much better one.
Whether you’ve resolved to quit a nasty habit, or move on from unhealthy relationships, make sure you approach it with all the tools you can muster. And forget about the New Year. Start right now.
