Stepping Stones and Stumbling Blocks

 "The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is in how you use them." Anonymous


The problem with stumbling blocks is how they tend to come out of nowhere. And then, you stumble...unprepared. I wish I could say that I walk through life gracefully. The truth is that I bump into almost everything. I have numerous bruises I can't even account for. If there is a corner, be assured, my thigh/arm/hip/foot will supernaturally find its point. But I'm able to laugh about it later, look at the mass of blue and greenish flesh in amazement, and try to love my clumsy self rather than push it and ask, "Does that hurt?"


So, about turning them into stepping stones. I try to look at each block as an opportunity. If God uses all for the good of those who love Him, and we know He does, then surely He'll use this, right? It works...sometimes...when I can keep that in the forefront of my mind. Other times, I forget, and I trip, landing hard. Sometimes I knowingly stumble, out of habit. I've even stayed on the ground, kicking and screaming, rolling around dramatically in the leaves like Bella. It's not pretty, folks. I have a tendency to take the hard route.


But when He tells me, "Don't be afraid. Take courage. I am here," everything else seems so insignificant. Why stumble when I can step toward something bigger? Tennyson wrote, "...men may rise on stepping stones Of their dead selves to higher things." I have to continually die in order to grow. And I've grown so much. So why, in the dark of the night, does death terrify me...cause me to stumble?


The doctors didn't like what they saw on the x-ray. Based on their level of concern (4 on a 1-5 scale) they'd like to jam a needle into me to find out a little more. Because I can, I opted out of the needle-jabbing and asked for a re-check in four months. "Come back if you start to feel pain," they said. Okay. Sure. I've been trying other things. Supplements, fewer brownies and chocolate croissants, less stress (yeah right), etc. But I started to feel pain...then came the concerned look of my homeopath as she told me that virus and heavy metals are coming up again (markers for cancer). She gave me her juicer. I love her. She said everything I eat is either life or suicide (or something to that effect). Yikes! I went home and stumbled into In-N-Out.


Last night I dreamt that death came for me. We had our windows open because the beautiful breeze promised a lower electric bill. But I saw him outside of my window, and felt him pulling on me. I woke up, terrified. I stumbled, I tripped, I landed hard. I cried out, God, I need you! Please! Where are you?


The truth is, the more I come to know Christ, the more I look forward to going home. I can't wait for His embrace. I think about it often, in fact. But I don't want to go, too. I don't want to miss out on a single moment with my husband, my daughters....my little red snapper and fat cat, my students, my friends, my family, my adorable three-year-old nephew. I suddenly realize how blessed I am. The beautiful contrast of life and death, blessing and suffering, it all becomes clear when the terror of the night has passed. I open His word and He reminds me..."Don't be afraid. Take courage. I am here!" While I'm here - on this broken planet with broken people, with suffering and constant conflict - He has blessed me with so much. He has given me a purpose. He has given me a hope. Why let something like death get in the way? Death has lost its power! Death has lost its sting! Instead, I'll use it to help me get where I want to be...where I need to be. Closer to Him.


So I juiced a carrot and some asparagus. I guess they're really good at combating silly old things like cancer cells. I juiced an apple too and had a spoonful of Nutella. What can I say? I love stumbling over Nutella.